Wokemen VS World’s Best Boyfriend: The Balcony Battle for Justice!

"This ain’t no public park, Pink Puff Daddy!"

(Scene: The Uptown Skyline, somewhere on our old dear planet, morning. WOKEMEN glides through the air, his/her pink cape flapping. He/She scans the streets below, searching for injustice—or at least someone who forgot to recycle.)

Wokemen: Somewhere, someone is being problematic. And I, WOKEMEN, must intervene.

(After 10 minutes of flying, Wokemen starts to feel drained. His/Her energy drains faster than a phone on 1%. He/She lands on a posh balcony in Soho, settling into a beach chair.)

Wokemen: I’m Wokemen! Defender of justice! Friend to all! Surely, it’s okay to rest on a friend’s property.

(He/She peers across the street and notices a gym. Through the glass windows, people are working out. His/Her eyes narrow as he/she spots two familiar faces. His/Her jaw drops.)

Wokemen: No… it can’t be.

(He/She squints at the gym. There they are: TALL BULLY, muscular and confident, and SHORT BULLY, sneaky as ever.)

Wokemen: Them! The tormentors of my youth. The ones who kept calling me “Wokey Porky” back in high schoo!

(Wokemen’s fists clench.)

Wokemen: They took everything from me. The attention, the approval… my glitter eyeliner. And now? Successful businessmen? But I know the truth. Bullies don’t change.

(Wokemen watches as a beautiful woman approaches the bullies. They joke with her, and she laughs.)

Wokemen: Typical toxic masculinity. Charming women with their smirks and… success. They’re probably plotting crimes. Insider trading. Spiking protein shakes with microaggressions!

(Suddenly, the balcony door behind him/her opens. A towering BLACK MAN steps out, holding a mug reading “World’s Best Boyfriend.”)

Black Man: (yelling) Who the HELL is this pink marshmallow on my balcony?!

(Wokemen sits bolt upright, fumbling with his/her cape.)

Black Man: (yelling again) I said, who the HELL is this pink marshmallow on my balcony?!

Wokemen: Uh… I’m Wokemen! The defender of social justice!

Black Man: Defender of what? This ain’t no public park, Pink Puff Daddy!

(A voice calls from inside.)

Voice: Honey? What’s going on out there?

Black Man: (yelling back) There’s a fat pink fool squatting on our balcony like a busted flamingo!

(The voice appears—a pale, thin guy in glasses and a cardigan. He is the Black Man’s WHITE BOYFRIEND. He gasps when he sees Wokemen.)

White Boyfriend: Oh, should we feed him? I like that suit, though.

Black Man: Feed him?! I’m kickin’ his weird butt out!

(Wokemen stands, forcing a smile.)

Wokemen: Wait! I’m on your side! I support gay marriage! I’ve marched in every pride parade!

Black Man: That doesn’t mean you can park your glittery butt here!

(The Black Man grabs Wokemen by the collar and drags him/her toward the railing. Wokemen flails helplessly.)

Wokemen: You don’t understand! I’m here to protect you from toxic masculinity and Donaldization.

Black Man: The only toxic thing here is you trespassing on my balcony.

Wokemen: Please! I just need a few minutes to recharge! I’m one of the good guys!

Black Man: Yeah? Congratulations, Rocket Man. Now, fly!

(With one final shove, Wokemen goes over the railing. He/She flails midair and cannot recover, falling into the middle of the street like a load of fat meat. A small crowd gathers, staring.)

White Boyfriend: This is satisfying. Let’s write a blog post: “The Day We Met a Flying Pink Pancake!”

(The Black Man shakes his head, sipping his coffee as his boyfriend leans into his side. They laugh, the Black Man grabbing the White Boyfriend’s butt as they walk inside for breakfast.)

(Across the street, Tall Bully and Short Bully notice the commotion. They laugh hysterically as they watch the whole scene and see Wokemen dust himself/herself off.)

Tall Bully: What was that, anyway?

Short Bully: Some pink weirdo crashing into the street.

Beautiful Woman: The city’s full of them—Pronounsman, Doctor He-He, 2Woke, Non-Binary Four… What even was that outfit?

Short Bully: Must be some TikTok trend.

Tall Bully: Makes me think of that joke we had in high school, though. That Porky something or other.

Short Bully: Yeah, that freak was a legend.

(Posted on 4.1.2025)

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